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A Few Reasons The Black Eyed Peas Should Phunk Off
Monday, 31 January 2011 Written by James Conlon
A Few Reasons The Black Eyed Peas Should Phunk Off

Clubs. I bloody love clubs...obviously. I love the chunky bouncer who gets to third base with you before you’ve even entered the building. I love paying a crisp ten pound note to get in and then nigh-on five pounds for a pint of Fosters-flavoured water. I love getting evil looks from the man in the toilets for washing my own hands. I love being hugged by sweat-drenched strangers. I love being guilted into putting my hands up for Detroit and I love to superman dat ho...obviously.

Clubs can be a surreal experience at the best of times. Looking around to see six brutish men circled around a girl with their mouths on the floor and their hands locked and loaded for a grade-A fumble, it often feels like a scene from Attenborough: Human Mating Rituals. Heck, I won’t lie, I still find myself looking around the back of the plastic plants, half expecting to see the silver-tongued narrator on all fours, excitedly whispering about how lucky we are to finally witness the Homo sapiens in its natural habitat.

Now I know that opinion may not sit too well with everybody: some people love clubs, I get it. I still have nightmares about that one group of girls who scream like banshees as their favourite song comes on...oh you know the one, that song with that sexy man singer and the electronic drums and the synth bridge and that bit where the rapper talks about sex.

Love clubs or hate them, one thing can’t be denied: Gorillas might have bird song and primal growling, but humans only have one real soundtrack to their mating rituals - The Black Eyed Peas. The band burst on to the music scene in 2003 with ‘Where is the Love?’ when you were still slightly fascinated with the idea of foam machines, then Fergie told you about her humps back in 2005 when two shots of Tequila didn’t mean Sunday was an automatic write-off. The Black Eyed peas are fully-fledged members of the British social backdrop and it’s only a matter of time until you (the alcoholic that you are) sit hunched over a toilet bowl welcoming back this morning’s Weetos, serenaded by your least favourite friend John ‘Fisty’ Smith shouting ‘Boom Boom Pow’ to you like a member of the al-Qaeda Glee club.

John ‘Fisty’ Smith is the sort of man who would drink his own wee for a dare. He’s got the terrorist puppet shouting “I KILL YOU!” as his ringtone and laughs every. Bloody. Time. Yet still, it could be argued that the drunken shouts of this man, the pillock of all pillocks (‘The Golden Pillock’, if you will) would be better for the music industry than The Back Eyed Peas, and here’s why:

1) John ‘Fisty’ Smith hasn’t been sued for copyright infringement.

The Black Eyed Peas haven’t had the best time when it comes to lawsuits. Not only was Will.i.am sued by French dance veterans Daft Punk in 2007 for illegally sampling their song ‘Around The World’ for his track ‘I Got It From My Momma’, but the band were once again brought into court last month for unlicensed use of George Clinton’s funk sample in their remix ‘Shut the Phunk Up’. Now I know what you’re thinking (other than ‘God this is a lot of words, forget reading that pile of shite’): ‘fair enough, they’re borrowing samples, but it’s not like they’ve stolen complete songs, right?’

Wrong (...obviously).

Since their inception in the mid 90s, The Black Eyed Peas have been embroiled in seven formal lawsuits and half a dozen other serious accusations. While some might appear tenuous, the evidence stacks up and eventually it’s hard to deny that they’ve knowingly swiped a track or six. Here’s Fergie’s 2006 hit song Fergalicious followed closely by J.J.Fad’s excellent cover version (which was, incidentally, recorded 18 years earlier).



Fergie’s management describe the song as an ‘interpolation’ of J.J.Fad’s original, a concept which seemed to be lost on the song’s producer when he sued Fergie in 2007 for unpaid royalties. Now rather than dragging through the individual claims, let’s take a quick look at their greatest (stolen) hits:

‘I Got A feeling’ (2009) vs ‘Take A Dive’ (1999) by Bryan Pringle. (Listen here).

‘Boom Boom Pow’ (2009) vs ‘Boom Dynamite’ (2008) by Phoenix Phenom. (Listen here).

‘Party All The Time’ (2009) vs ‘Mancry’ (2008) by Freeland. (Listen here).

‘The Time (Dirty Bit)’ (2010) vs ‘You &I’ (remix) by Deadmau5 (2009). (Watch Deadmau5 compare the two tracks here).

‘Voodoo Doll’ (2006) vs ‘Waterfall’ by Groundation (unlicensed sample). (Listen here and here).

2) John ‘Fisty’ Smith didn’t record ‘The Beginning’.

ImageNow I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but there is a theory circulating about The Black Eyed Peas in the darkest corners of the internet. Well, not the darkest corners: there’s some really messed up stuff on here, but let’s just say the corners where the lighting doesn’t quite compliment the paintwork. Certain shadowy figures have suggested that rather than being the hyper-cool urbanites we believe them to be, the band are in fact robots created by the entertainment industry.

Crackpot? Perhaps, but make it through the torturous entirety of ‘The Beginning’ and it’s hard not to notice the distinct lack of humanity on the record. Vocally, the band’s contributions are computerised, auto-tuned and distorted throughout, while the produced tracks are limited on (almost) every song to a two-step beat and child-like synth melodies.

What’s more worrying about the latest effort from B.E.P. 2.0 (the first models were scrapped after the robots were found to be leaking vital fluids on stage) is the distinctly Reich-y feel that the album possesses. Imagine a world where Coca Cola and Budweiser have formed a fascist alliance, controlling the population and convincing them to spend money on their products: ‘The Beginning’ would be their rally music. Heck, no need to imagine: I’ve got momentous, irrefutable (and made up) evidence that it’s happened. As the band shout imperatives down the microphone, urging listeners to go party hard(!) and play it loud(!), you might think it’s all in the name of having a good time, but that’s exactly what the overlords want you to believe. Highlights include: “Party people just keep on rockin”, “ask for a glass please / grab a glass and get wet” and my personal favourite:“Don't, don't, don't, don't, / Don't, don't, don't, don't, / Don't, don't, don't, don't / Stop The Party.”

(Actually that’s a lie: my personal favourite comes in the form of ‘The Best One Yet’, where the band sing the words “This is the best one yet” fifty-something times, desperately trying to convince the audience (and themselves) that there is still an ounce of creativity left in their vapid songwriting. If you listen carefully enough, at about 2:37 you can actually hear a tear fall from Fergie’s cheek onto the soundbooth floor as she realises the band peaked about five years ago: “This is the BEST one YET!”.)

3) John ‘Fisty’ Smith understands that humans have more than one mood.

Will.i.am opens the song ‘Fashion Beats’ with the declaration: “I’m a club rocker, that’s my personality”, and let me assure you, He’s not lying. Through the course of their last six albums, The Black Eyed Peas have been relentlessly one-track minded, focusing only on their desperate, unending desire to party. Luckily, there’s no need to put yourself through the pain of actually listening to the songs, just take a quick look at a selection of their titles over the past twelve years:

‘Clap Your Hands’
‘Weekends’
‘Let’s Get Retarded’
‘Hands Up’
‘Pump It’
‘Feel It’
‘Disco Club’
‘Rock That Body’
‘Party All The Time’
‘Light Up The Night‘
‘Don’t Stop The Party’
‘Play It Loud’
and the list goes on (and on and on)

Now clubs need dance music, I understand that: there’s nothing less sexy that hearing the deep-seated wheezing of your overweight companion as you try with all your might to stretch your arms around their waist on a silent dancefloor. The criticism lies in the fact that there’s no sincere sentiment hidden anywhere in The Black Eyed Peas’ disco thumpers. Their attempts at emotion end up forced and synthetic (see ‘XOXOXO’) or downright disturbing, like the strange ‘Love You Long Time’ which sounds like nothing more than the cat-call of a grimy Chinatown prostitute recorded for pennies on a street corner.

4) John ‘Fisty’ Smith didn’t record a duet with Cher Lloyd.

Cher Lloyd. Even just typing the name once fills me with a (strangely enjoyable) sense of dread. Cher Lloyd. Cher Lloyd. Cher Lloyd...hmmm that was good.

The 17-year-old stormed onto the X Factor last year with an average voice and more swagger than a Polio patient, intent on a seemingly unstoppable rise to chart success. However, the public spoke: she was rejected from the show and didn’t get Simon’s coveted golden ticket. Boo bloody hoo.

Then in steps supertwat Will.i.am, intent to spit in the face of THE ENGLISH DEMOCRATIC PHONE VOTE (so important it deserves capitals and bold - If there was a ‘super bold’ button it would have been clicked already) by sweeping Cher Lloyd (hmmm) off to L.A. to record a duet, almost guaranteeing future chart success. Great work Will.i.am, why not tell the PM to ‘take five’ while you sort out that ‘recession thing’ we’ve been having. Why not just throw a big Party(!) and Play It Loud(!) to raise a bit of petty cash? That’ll solve things, right?

What’s worse, the young girl was already teetering on dangerous levels of self-confidence. With the newfound celebrity interest, she’s now so smug she has a face like a slapped arse’s ugly cousin. But don’t worry about it, there’s nothing mortals like you or I can do now: she’s already shook hands with the Lucifer of pop music himself, Lil Wayne (who incidentally seems to be wearing his trousers a little higher these days).

So there you have it. John ‘Fisty’ Smith’s debut album, ‘Fistymania’ is available to purchase next month at all major toilets and crack dens. The album includes such hits songs as ‘Waheeyy! Down it you fresher!’, ‘Bogtime Banter’ and last summer’s anthem ‘Drink ‘til You’re Funny’.
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