Christmas Songs: The Good, The Bad & The Alternative (Christmas Song Feature)
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Written by Heather McDaid
Christmas is the key time of year for music with a rush and desire to snag the iconic Christmas #1 spot. While many years ago this would have been a well loved and respected tradition, it can – at times – seem more of an annoyance nowadays. There are, however, some benefits: the unshakeable classics and successes, the complete flops and the sarcastic, uncaring alternatives.
So, with most Christmas tracks falling into one of these three titles, we should start with a concise look at the classics. While this may seem by definition the ‘best’ category to fall into, it also signals the tracks most likely to be played incessantly and infuriate you the moment you realise you’re unwittingly singing along.
Wham’s ‘Last Christmas’ is the prime example of a subconsciously catchy Christmas song. I’m sure a good few people will have hesitantly started a story with ‘Last Christmas...’ and found some nuisance butt in with ‘I gave you my heart?’ Aside from the interruptions to many stories of Christmas past, the song has found itself a staple every winter. Ironically, this seems to be one of the less try-hard tracks. With countless artists trying year in and year out to profit from the festive season, one of the simplest and quieter numbers has been certified a classic.
Mariah Carey (pictured) takes the crown for Queen of Christmas in terms of songs. ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ is an undeniable classic that has found itself feature to many covers, notably in the talent show in the movie Love Actually. For the young’uns nowadays, Mariah recently collaborated with Justin Beiber in a new version of this number.
A personal favourite and winner of most enjoyable Christmas song goes to the Pogues’ ‘Fairytale of New York’. Few songs are as reminiscent as a drunken sing-a-long while not forcing the cheesy side to Christmas. Wizzard’s ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day’ is one of those overtly cheery festive numbers where the sentiment is rarely shared. We’ll sing along carelessly as we walk through stores or catch it on the radio, but few would really relish the idea of a constant Christmas... Maybe it’s the internal Scrooge that shines when listening to that particular number.
While these are three amongst many Christmas classics, it’s more interesting – and let’s be honest, amusing – to look at those who didn’t do so well or are frankly horrendous. So with this in mind, we turn to an effort for Christmas 2011 from the cast of The Only Way Is Essex. Covering the staple that Wham has given us, the bemusing phenomena that is TOWIE released this single with the compulsory mash-up video. Seemingly the X Factor being the reality show tackling Christmas number one is not enough for some.
Robbie Williams’ ‘Walk This Sleigh’ could technically fall into the category of tongue-in-cheek Christmas songs, but it is quite frankly atrocious. The pun filled offering alludes to be a spoof of Aerosmith’s ‘Walk This Way’ from the title; and if it had gone down this route would most likely be remotely enjoyable. While I’ve only encountered this song a few times over the years, each time is a horrible encounter.
Basshunter is notably hit or miss with many as it is. It’s not exactly common to find a trance-infused Christmas number and courtesy of this man we know exactly why. His rendition of ‘Jingle Bells’ is simply horrendous... There’s no polite way of saying it, so I’ll just leave it there.
When you open the lid on bad Christmas songs, they just keep on coming. Cyndi Lauper has had her fair share of hits over the years, but ‘Christmas Conga’ is relatively bemusing. You’d have a problem dragging many out of their chair in front of the television on Christmas day, so good luck on getting grandma and grandpa to partake in a Christmas conga. “Bonga, bonga, bonga! Do the Christmas conga!” Even lyrics as provoking as that would be hard pressed to shift anyone on this occasion.
Bonga, bonga, bonga is a good enough reason to move on from the atrocious Christmas songs, so now it’s the turn of the alternatives. Be this alternative music, or people who quite frankly couldn’t care about the cheese of Christmas, these are the best, personally at least.
Dr. Elmo’s ‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer’ has allegedly been voted one of the worst Christmas songs repeatedly over the years, but the title hardly suggests the most subtle and delicate of numbers. There are no frills, no pushes to be fantastic; in fact, the song itself is relatively rubbish but for some reason the initial couldn’t-care-less attitude thrown through the title is enough to make it good for one reason or another.
Slipknot’s Corey Taylor took on the challenge of Christmas last year with his fantastically warped Christmas number ‘XM@$’. He sings, “If I ain’t drunk then it ain’t Christmas; you know where to stick those jingle bells...” Korn’s infamous ‘Jingle Balls’ takes another slanted, heavy metal twist on a Christmas track. The point is not to take the season so seriously.
Frankly, to highlight the lack of seriousness required for a Christmas track nowadays, Corey Taylor’s entire track could be quoted. For the sake of argument, here’s just a little fraction:
“Now I'm no wiccan commie or nothing, but there's one damn holiday that I can't stand. It ain't Halloween or Thanksgiving or even April Fools, but it'll surely make a fool out of every man...”
“Now every year the malls are just a madhouse full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles, just the smell of Eggnog makes me vomit and those colored lights are fucking infantile. I think we collectively as the people should rise against this corporate jolly noise and tell the world: "Let's buy some peace and quiet for a change"
before we spend it all on fucking toys.”
The Darkness’ ‘Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End)’ can be hit or miss with many. Ending the main bulk of their set with this on their UK tour at the start of November, it was one of the few acceptable Christmas appearances pre-December. It all depends on how tight your underwear is twisted over Christmas songs. Is Christmas the be all and end all for serious music? The Darkness in their tight little catsuits probably aren’t for you then.
Really encompassing the idea of the alternative Christmas song is the number one of 2009 that was supported as a rebellion against corporate greed and the X Factor’s clasp on the charts. This is, of course, the most anti-Christmas Christmas song – Rage Against The Machine’s ‘Killing In The Name’. Chosen to prove a point, the support this single received in dethroning the X Factor from the coveted chart slot shook the music industry from its routine. Whether or not this shake-up can be blamed for Little Mix’s current single being the lowest selling winner’s single since 2004 is debatable, but we’d happily give Rage the credit. It’s highly disputable as to whether or not you can call this a Christmas song because, in subject matter at least, it is not. It does, however, really take away from the traditional romance of Christmas. Again, anything to remove the cheesiness from Christmas is perfect.
Essentially, the point is that Christmas songs aren’t what they used to be. They used to view Christmas romantically; a time for love, family and an overwhelming feeling of happiness. Christmas itself still surrounds those ideals for many but times are changing and music is changing.
Just like the push to get Rage Against The Machine to Christmas number one was a break of convention supported by millions of disgruntled music fans, this change could be construed as the push by millions of secret Scrooges. You don’t have to hate Christmas to get a little bit sick of the romantic notions of it and Corey Taylor succinctly sums it up in his number by singing ‘Fa la la la la, go f*ck yourself’.
Dramatic example, but even the most hyped events of the year need a little bit of humour and a little bit of satire. Television has been doing it for years and thankfully musicians have started to catch on too. Not everyone has to be as vicarious as Mr. Taylor, but it’s a welcome change from people wishing it was Christmas every day. It’s good to break the formula once in a while and spoofs and sarcastic numbers prove to be the best.
So, maybe last Christmas you gave someone your heart, or maybe you saw mommy kissing Santa Claus, or maybe you’re so unbelievably smitten with Christmas that you wish it occurred every single day of your life...
But then again, maybe eggnog makes you vomit and you want to dropkick anyone who even suggests a Christmas conga. Either way, there will be festive music out there to suit your desires.
...Or if you have a relatively disastrous taste in music, the TOWIE cast might treat you to a Christmas album next year.
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