Let’s have a look at some of the buzzwords in the metal festival-goer’s handbook, shall we? “Download is shit, Soniphere is run by sell-outs, Bloodstock scares me...”
The festival grouse is a quintessentially British archetype: if they don’t like something, it must be objectively shit. For some of them, the clever thing to do this summer would have been to escape the trappings of cynicism and bag a ticket to Hellfest.
For those of you unaware of the festival, it's got something for (just about) everyone. It's set in a lovely chunk of western France to please the sightseers, there's a McDonald's nearby for the gourmet guzzlers and the line-up is flawless.
Headlined by Iron Maiden, Aerosmith and Black Sabbath, it's got 'fucking epic' written all over it. This motha's long been sold-out, but for you lucky rapscallions who got tickets, here are a few bands to check out at the summer's best festival.
Crossfaith - Main Stage 01, Friday/12:15
Do you like jumping up and down? Do you like metal? Do you like the Prodigy? To all three of those questions you should have squealed: 'OF COURSE I DO'. Crossfaith (pictured, main) are going to be your cup of tea. Packing tunes fat enough to satisfy Garfield and a live show like no other, this is the Japanese rave metallers' first summer of main stage exposure in Europe. Show them your love and fling your limbs about with reckless abandon.
Watain - The Temple, Friday/21:50
If Iron Maiden don't tickle your (most probably damaged) fancy, then how about a dollop of Swedish black metal to sort you out? There will be blood, there will be fire: Watain's live spectacle has inspired controversy and critical acclaim across the globe in equal measure. Plus, there’s a chance they’ll play They Rode On from 'The Wild Hunt'. An eight minute spaghetti western singalong during a black metal gig? Yes please.
Sabaton - Main Stage 01, Friday/00:05
They're just fun, aren't they? Even if you despise the music, these pompous power metal maniacs are the musical equivalent to a bouncy castle covered in blue Smarties. Nobody cares how many obscure band patches are sewn onto your jacket, you are going to lose your mind when Sabaton blitz through Ghost Division.
Septicflesh - The Altar, Friday/01:05
On a basic level, Septicflesh combine the Lord Of The Rings soundtrack with tremolo picking and death growls. They also give the word 'massive' an entirely new meaning. Having been masters of the symphonic death metal game since their immaculate comeback record, 'Communion', in 2008, the Greek titans are poised to release a new record titled, erm, 'Titan'. They seldom play the UK, so make sure to catch them over in France.
Stinky Bollocks - The Warzone, Saturday/11:05
If we’re being honest, we have no idea who this band is. But they're called Stinky Bollocks. Surely that's all you need to know?
Gorguts - The Altar, Saturday/18:45
If you're feeling brave, then Gorguts are definitely a band you need to be seeing. But be warned: the sheer volume of blastbeats on display will be enough to disembowel the unprepared. Last year's 'Coloured Sands' was, to put it lightly, an overlooked gem in both the end-of-year polls and in the context of the band's 25 year career. Gorguts flung their technical death metal to dizzying new heights, and the new material is going to be brutal in a live environment.
Clutch - The Valley, Saturday/19:45
Having ducked out last year due to personal issues, Neil Fallon and his motley crew are ready to rock Hellfest to its core. Never before has such a masculine, copiously hairy presence set foot on this stage. Your beard may never match the mighty facial fuzz of Fallon, but you can still sing your heart out to The Mob Goes Wild.
Blues Pills - Main Stage, Sunday/11:05
Much as Jason Newsted's 'Metal' EP did what it said on the tin, Blues Pills sound like blues music after, well, popping a few too many pills. A psychedelia-cum-blues-rock 'n' roll bastard that offers just as many new ideas as it does old ones, this up and coming band are ones to watch. Frontwoman Elin Larsson has a great voice and they do a Chubby Checker cover – what more could you possibly ask for?
Behemoth - Main Stage 02, Sunday/19:50
If you witnessed Behemoth make Cradle of Filth sound like Teletubbies during their co-headline shows earlier this year, you'll know what to expect from the Polish bruisers: the harshest cuts of blackened death metal, served with deadly precision and devastating levels of conviction. Behemoth are going to absolutely level the main stage.
Emperor - Main Stage 02, Sunday/22:00
Do you really need to be told to see Emperor? Hopefully not, but just in case – go see Emperor. Even though they have reunited before, this tour appears to be the final bow, with frontman Ihsahn moving into more progressive, saxophone-inclusive waters with his solo material. Their classic 'In The Nightside Eclipse' album turned 20 this year, so give it a listen and then go see the band that popularised, polarised and perfected the black metal movement.
Turbonegro - The Warzone, Sunday/01:05
The only way to end your festival – Norwegian punk rockers dressed as sailors. You don't even need to hear the music, but if you do...it's a bit good. Turbonegro have been knocking about for ages, and the strength and numbers of their fan club, the Turbojugend, is testament to this fact.
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